Just like many people, I’m trying to find ways to spend time during the COVID19 lockdown in a way that is productive, or at least caring for my wellbeing. Turns out, that involves listening to some of the bands that I really loved during my late teen and young adult years.
One thing I didn’t quite realize fully is that metal and rock songs are quite insightful, that they can be quite deep in their meanings, after one stops to listen to the lyrics and pay attention to the music videos and the images portrayed.
I’d like to share some of the songs I listened to from some of the bands I love, and how they feel even more relatable during this time. Many of them criticize the social, economic, political, and environmental issues we have been facing for a while, that are highlighted even more during this time. Some of them, either the songs themselves or the music videos, highlight the feelings of despair, hopelessness and suffering, and that there just might be a source of hope, recovery and redemption.
Within Temptation: Mother Earth
Disturbed: Land of Confusion
Seether: Fake It
Within Temptation: (Paradise) What About Us
Disturbed: Another Way To Die
Seether: Rise Above This
For anyone who check these out, I hope that you enjoy it!
This is a book review of Becoming Superman written by J. Michael Strazynski, the person behind the Babylon 5 Television series as well as SENSE8. The book is an autobiography, covering the author’s family history before he was born, chronicling his own experiences growing up in a precarious, violent home, his coping mechanisms in the form of comic books, pursuing a career in the creative and writing field, and ongoing commentary about his relationships throughout the years.
For some context, my husband is a huge fan of Babylon 5, and by huge, I mean it’s the “mega-nerd” level, which I say affectionately. He has the DVDs, book of the scripts of the episodes, including a separate book talking about what happened to another show that was launched by the author but was not so successful. Watching Babylon 5 was a memorable part of our early years of dating, back when sleepovers were not even a consideration and we are sorting through our mutual awkwardness. The moment that there was news about a book where the writer talked about his past, I was not surprised that my husband pre-ordered an autographed copy!
Now, to the actual review of the book.
It is detailed, gut-wrenching and compelling in its narration, a reflection of his ability to captivate audiences creatively no matter what creative medium. He is a well-recognized and well-respected writer in Hollywood, particularly in the science fiction genre, so this is just another testimony to his talents.
On a personal level, many chapters and stories are very relatable, particularly the parts that talk about fictional characters and forms of literature as a source of escape from the harshness of real life. The anguish of the young child, of the young man, in every fight that happened in the home, every time his father announced that they are moving again, every time he pours in hours and days writing to the point that he gets sick, all of these are palpable in every page and every chapter.
It’s fascinating to me though, to witness how a real person has embodied in many ways, the characteristics they saw in a particular fictional superhero, in this case, was Superman. Which made me wail in agony, just like him, when his father maliciously destroyed Michael’s comic book collection.
This is not just a book that aims to narrate and inspire. As I was reading through the chapters, there’s an undertone of wanting to use the book as a tool or a weapon, to vindicate and for vengeance. And in the last chapters of the book, my inclination was confirmed. The writer did intend to use the book in many ways to get back at his father, for the abusive treatment he inflicted towards the family, and to expose the background he felt his father was trying to hide and deny. It is evident that the writer wanted to broadcast as loudly as possible, his father as a Nazi sympathizer. An arrogant, violent and abusive man.
One thing I didn’t anticipate is how in certain chapters, it felt more like a personal development book, rather than an autobiography. During his several positions in journalism and scriptwriting, he shared a few pieces of advice that stood out to me (in paraphrased form):
Write as much as you can to “get the crap out”, so you can start making good content
Be reliable and always hand in your work on time, since about half the people who are expected to hand in work, flake out and miss deadlines. This builds reliability and a good reputation.
As someone who is still a young professional, who does creative work on the side, I think that these are really good pieces of advice, even for those who are not necessarily working in creative fields.
Overall, I am pleased with the book, and I know it will be part of a treasured collection of items that we will have in our home for a long time.
Through my volunteering at the Edmonton Federation of Community Leagues, I obtained a copy of a book that talks about the concept of community leagues and its impact in Edmonton, named Edmonton’s Urban Villages, written by Ron Kuban. This is a review of the book.
A Comprehensive and Digestible Overview of this City’s History
A city that existed for over a hundred years has a fairly lengthy history, one that would have pretty decent documentation as well. It is safe to say that the volume of information can be overwhelming, particularly for someone like myself who doesn’t describe themselves as a ‘history buff’. What I appreciate about this book is in its pages, combined with narrations, photos obtained from archives of the organization and from the city, the book is a neatly organized overview of the city’s history that is easy to read.
I have heard about how the city evolved, how it expanded and merged with neighbouring towns, how roadways are planned and utilities are managed, how recessions and wars impacted the economy and day-to-day living. Though other events or forms of media, I learned about the different social, political and economic eras that our city had, and I appreciated how it was presented in the book.
Community Leagues and EFCL had been an incubator of many initiatives that flourished into independent organizations. When I encounter city-wide organizations that focus on a particular activity, like soccer or hockey, I am now more likely to probe on whether this is something that the community league movement had initiated on a neighbourhood level.
Familiar Names and Places Given Deeper Context and Appreciation
People whose names I see in street signs, news articles, historical videos and hall of fame galleries popped up numerous times in all the book’s pages, which for me is quite delightful. As I personally never had a formal class about Edmonton’s history, opportunities like this book, which is a light read, is a chance to understand who, when and what happened at certain times. Some of the names in the book were individuals I have met in person recently, and it’s incredible to witness what they have accomplished in decades past, that is impactful enough to be documented in such a fashion.
From war veterans to business owners, from politicians to women to broke the glass ceiling in their own right, witnessing how they did their part to make an impact at a local level (the neighbourhood level) is valuable in knowing why our city works the way it is now. The events were not always pleasant, and even the people were far from perfect. The chapters talked about differing views, burnout, conflict, and missed opportunities to work together, but there seems to always be a positive turn of events afterwards.
Motivation for Greater Involvement in the Community
My community involvement has a slightly selfish goal, to address my level of disconnectedness from not being born-and-raised here. At the same time, I feel deep meaning in making a contribution of my time and energy to the community at large. My personal involvement with community leagues is fairly recent, just when we moved to our house about five years ago. Learning about the concept of community leagues, an idea that originated in the US that had a Canadian and Edmonton-based modifications to it is quite remarkable.
I understand and appreciate better the idea that there are different levels of involvement: from the volunteer who comes at events to help set up and take down the furniture at the hall, the volunteer who tracks the mail for the organization and pays the utilities, the one who helps with fundraising and financial grant applications, the big-picture people who helps with decisions and bylaws, and more. The book repeatedly talked about the “unnamed volunteers”, thousands of them, that are the real heroes of this movement. I hope to do the same in my own way.
100th Anniversary of the Featured Organization
2021 is a significant year, as it is the 100th anniversary of the organization featured in the book, the Edmonton Federation of Community Leagues. There has been some projects that are in progress to memorialize this milestone. Discovering this book could not have come at a better time. An update of this book as it written in 2005, is a great idea for sure, since the past 15 years had made a lot of changes in Edmonton and how people and communities function.
For anyone under the age of 30, particularly adults, 10 years is a sizable amount of time. For me, it’s 35% of my life! The other interesting part is, as opposed to our childhood and teenage years, young adults are likely to remember most, it not all of events that would be considered as pretty major.
This is a short summary of how the age 19-28 has been for me, as in the year 2010-2019.
Dating: I took a chance to date my ex-boyfriend’s friend, with two important premises: that us dating will not jeopardize his friendship with said ex-boyfriend, and that we’ll take it slow in our early years. That seems to have paid off! We are got married in the fall of 2019, after I took the courage (as the woman) to propose, and pulled off a lovely intimate wedding with only two months of planning. This relationship has been the most transformative in my life, where I learned how to be happy and healthy, to love and be loved, and how finding your partner is an experience that pushes you to grow and keeps you stable and safe.
Brother: The past decade started with making arrangements for my brother’s sponsorship and immigrating to Canada. He successfully arrived and I did my best (I hope) to support and guide him in adjusting and living a good life here. He just completed his diploma program at NAIT, while being relatively healthy, in a loving relationship, having a decent work ethic and also debt-free. It brings me the greatest joy that he and my husband get along really well. Being a mother/father/sister to him since we were orphans was no easy feat, but I’m satisfied with how he is doing and how my contributions played a role in its own way.
Home: Home is where the heart is, a place of rest, self-expression, recreation, stability, peace and vulnerability. It has not been straightforward, but the past decade has enabled me to have an active role in defining and shaping what this means for me and my love ones. It involved a few move-outs and move-ins, budgeting, repairing and organizing, getting comfortable making sure that the home fits my sense of self and my current needs. That is actually the toughest part, to give myself permission to tell myself “yes, this is MY home now, this is my home TOO.” Thankfully, I think I finally reached that stage.
Health: Physical activity and diet is something I haven’t paid any attention to until about 2012. It’s been a roller coaster on this one. I went through phases of having an extreme and unhealthy attitude towards tracking calories and physical activity that swung like a pendulum over several years. It is a relief to eventually reaching a more balanced approach. “Slow and steady wins the race” is the most important lesson on this journey and the fact that it is a lifelong one. Some physical ailments and a few medical procedures also took place, and as someone who felt ‘undeserving’ to get checked over by medical professionals, both due to cost and lack of attention by my legal guardians, obtaining the procedures is another significantly positive milestone.
Overcoming Trauma: I learned how to say the word ‘emotional baggage‘ without sarcasm or shame, as well as the word ‘triggered‘ in an honest and kind way. Thanks to the #MeToo movement and the other goals I was working on, I realize that I cannot move forward without addressing these. I sought out therapy for sexual assault around 2017 and I feel that I learned and transformed internally so much. I’m working on being more aware of the concept of Survivor’s Guilt, and how that can push people like me to overwork, overcompensate and be a perfectionist. I experienced burnout at work at least once and felt victorious after feeling vulnerable and courageous enough to seek therapy and actually use my work benefits. Mental and emotional health, as it turns out, is really important, in order to live an enriching life and be a positive impact to the world.
Career: In the beginning of the past decade, I was midway through my university degree, and after just a few years, I completed my degree, gained skills and discovered the current career sector that fits well at the moment. The biggest lesson for me is that in this day and age, there is no need to pick a career that I’m stuck with for the rest of my life, and this fluidity was both comforting and empowering. Also, I had a few young professional milestones such as quitting a toxic work environment, job promotions, raises, plus typical office changes like moving locations and growth in staff.
Creativity: Because of never receiving recognition in school about my artwork, as a child I though I was not artistic at all. My handwriting is nowhere as pretty as my parents, particularly my mother, who was the creative one in the family. But in the past decade, I eventually discovered the enjoyment of artistic expression in my own way, from words such as blogs and articles, upcycling, mending or re-making clothing and abstract art. Now, the decorations in my home and my personal office is 90% artwork I made. Many of our practical items are also DIY, from blankets, quits, pillows and some clothing as well. I appreciate how my husband describes them, as items “made with love”. I plan to continue to integrate this in my life for as long as I can.
Re-Connecting to my Cultural Heritage After Immigrating: Having the chance to visit the Philippines twice after immigrating was wonderful, both instances with my spouse who is not Filipino. Those were useful opportunities to sort important legal and financial matters, and retrieve a few things I didn’t get a chance to bring when I moved the first time. It also prompted within me an ongoing thought exercise on how I ought to fit or maintain, the Filipino side of my identity as I continue my life in Canada. I think that’s part of what prompted this blog in the first place. Discovering local Philippine-focused nonprofit organizations here in Edmonton is a huge help as well and I’m positive that my involvement will only grow in the future. Sharing my ‘coming to Canada’ story to the broader community was a great experience as well.
Self Love and Acceptance: Self-compassion is something I fortunately gained from a healthy workplace and a healthy romantic relationship, and with the explosion of educational tools and advocacy I discovered on social media. While the real change has to be internal and IRL (in real life), as a millenial, social media plays a huge role in making awkward conversations more comfortable. When used positively, the anonymity or the distance created from social media accounts can help people explore painful topics and also offer help. I’d say the past five years was when this exponentially increased in my life, and I was able to curate online communities to help me with this challenging and important journey. Now, I hope to maintain what I have achieved and pay it forward to others who are still starting their journey.
Contributing to the Community At Large: Volunteering in many capacities just enriched my like in a multitude of ways. My goal is to have an optimal combination of activities where my role ranges from being a leader, an equal member, a contributor, or a participant. I think, that is what I have right now. The increase in stability in my home, work and paycheque was also empowering, as I was able to share not only my time, but also my money to those who are in need. The new decade will start with getting more politically active, and diving in deep by possibly running for public office and making an impact. Even as a child, being a trailblazer held a particularly strong appeal. I hope that the past decade helped me gain the skills and gumption to pursue these ambitious goals, and that this decade will be game time, to make attempts at these goals. One thing I’m very sure of, is the comforting truth in the saying ‘when one door closes, another one opens’.
This is a quick overview, from someone who moved to Edmonton and didn’t grow up here, about a really neat city attraction that is historical, interactive, and entertaining: Fort Edmonton Park.
If I were to choose a phrase to describe it, the place would be a “living museum”, with actual old buildings from a time long ago in the city, complete with decorations and accessories from that time. Where there are actors who wear attires from that time, which can make visitors feel like they have traveled back in time.
My then boyfriend (now husband) and I went there for our dating anniversary, our second one, back in 2012. An idea we copied from a TV show is what we call a “superdate” which is an all-day date where one person from the couple plans all the activities without telling the other. And then, on the day of, the activities are disclosed shortly before going there. After a lovely lunch in a restaurant located in a local neighbourhood business plaza, and him buying a large stuffed giraffe too big to fit in the back seat, I told him that our next destination was Fort Edmonton Park.
Visiting the Park
Fort Edmonton Park is an reconstruction of how Edmonton looked like in its early days. There are four time periods that are represented: 1846, 1885, 1905 and 1920, showcasing how the city of Edmonton has evolved from a fur trading area, to how the first few homes and structures were built that is the starting signs of a village, to a city that is starting to grow and expand.
I personally wasn’t able to wrap my mind around what a fur trading building looked like until I visited the park for the first time. Seeing and touching samples the different types of fur was super interesting. I had used Bank of Montreal for my personal banking needs and was really amused to see an old tiny building with the bank’s name, indicating that it is one of the earlier banks in the city. Seeing old clothing and the structures of these homes and thinking about how people back then had to deal with the cold winter months, filled me with wonder.
There are other entertaining activities as well. There is an old train that visitors can hop on and have a tour of the entire area. There is a small theater that shows historical films, and there was even a photography shop where people can wear costumes and have a portrait taken looking like it’s from a hundred years ago.
I keep seeing digital posters for advertisements regarding events that take place when the park was closed for touring. The bus I take when commuting to work passes by Fox Drive that leads to Fort Edmonton Park. I ought to check out the annual Halloween event at some point, it looks really interesting. There are opportunities to have brunch or dinners at the Hotel’s restaurant all year long, and the food is pretty good!
In my opinion, every newcomer to the City, both the born-and-raised Canadians who came from other provinces, and those who landed from other countries and had made Edmonton their home, should have the opportunity to visit this location, ideally within their first few years. Understanding the context of what the city has looked like many years ago can help those who are new here, appreciated how things are today.
While I feel like a broken record when I say “welp, that was NOT included in my ‘Welcome to Canada’ booklet”, it’s very true. There isn’t a lot of information about this city when I moved here. Fort Edmonton Park was a helpful way for me to learn and witness this. We don’t have a City Museum in a conventional sense, but I would say this is the closest one.
I was fortunate enough to squeeze in one elective class during university which was Introduction to Native Studies, and in 2017 because it was Canada 150 I learned a little bit more about Canada as a whole. I also took another elective class during university which was an advances English Literature class that discussed Canadian authors that describe the experiences of Asian people from 1900 onwards.
Now that I am learning more about the history of Indigenous peoples in Edmonton and realizing that Fort Edmonton Park has gaps, I’m relieved that the renovation will include an additional exhibit specific to this.
Booking Venues for Special Events
I didn’t know until I was a bridesmaid for a friend’s wedding, that Fort Edmonton Park is a lovely venue for a wedding and it is a well-known one, particularly in the summer. We had one of the old small churches in the Park as the location for the wedding ceremony, and then we had on of the second-floor halls of an old store as the location for the reception. While the bridal party was walking around the area for our wedding photos, we learned that there were two other weddings happening on the same day. We ran into another bridal party having their group photos, and we walked by the other wedding reception’s venue, hearing the lively dance music through the air.
I also thought that Hotel Selkirk is just a historical building that visitors at the park can tour, but as it turned out, people can rent the rooms, like a regular hotel! I learned about this during the wedding as well, as my friend rented two rooms as a waiting area for the bride and the groom’s wedding entourage. That was a lovely way to experience the city and this location, integrating historical structures with modern-day activities.
The website for the park is www.fortedmontonpark.ca/ . I look forward to the park opening again for tours, and experiencing it again with a slightly different perspective now that I’ve lived in Edmonton for a little bit longer.
One’s bedroom should be a place of rest, escape, peace and comfort, after a long day of exhaustion, activities and responsibilities. The darkness of the night should be an opportunity of calm solitude, an end of a long day, a pathway to a new morning with the hope that the new day will bring about new adventures and experiences. One’s womanhood and the journey to become one can be uncertain and confusing, but should be one that is filled with discovery, curiosity, and optimism, as one transforms physically into adulthood.
Sexual assault, rape, abuse, molestation, however you want to call it, regardless of how it happened, not only defiles one’s outlook in their life and their bodies, but also taints one’s soul with an indescribable amount of fear and pain.
There were roadblocks to be had, that dragged on and weighed me down for months and years, and clouded the vision of myself, my body, my behaviours, and motivations. From having difficulty articulating how I’m feeling physically, emotionally, and sexually in my romantic life, to feeling uninformed and afraid to learn about reproductive health. From nightmares about being raped with scenarios more gruesome than what I have experienced, to daydreaming while taking transit on what I would do if I get assaulted again, but this time in public.
The journey to healing started online, thanks to the increased discussions about sexual assault. Simultaneously, my current relationship played a huge role, from being believed after I shared my story, to having a voice and being heard when talking about issues related to sexual health and sexual activities. And then a few years ago, the healing became more professional-based, when I finally went to therapy to address the mental and emotional entanglements caused by this particular traumatic event, as well as others.
But there was one thing I mulled about for a very long time, and that is addressing how I view my physical body. The conventional assumption of “she must have looked or dressed a certain way which is why she got assaulted” is one of the key messages I wanted to debunk in my mind and heart. Mind you, during the assaults, typically I was wearing pajamas and clothes of my deceased parents as my sleepwear back then. This is the biggest reason why this assumption enrages me.
Finally, after some time hemming and hawing, browsing through several photographer’s websites, and convincing myself that my budgeting skills are on track, I finally booked the appointment. I chose for the photoshoot to be done on a rented studio, with a wide variety of backdrops for various effects. Many of the backdrops depicted typical parts of a house, just more glamorous looking: the bedroom with pristine sheets, a fancy bathroom with a clawfoot tub, elegant couches and plush chairs, and brick and pastel painted walls. I purchased a few outfits to help me have a theme in the photos, I had my hair done by a hairstylist but chose to not have makeup on. Finally, I told the photograher I’m okay with being a bit of a daredevil with some surprise poses.
It was hard to articulate how enjoyable and empowering it is to feel
calm while practically semi-nude in front of a stranger. It is
particularly freeing given that my sense of trust was broken by someone
who is definitely not a stranger. I felt a bit awkward when I was asked
to do certain movements, because part of the approach is not holding
still for a certain pose, but instead, to do things such as move your
arms and hips in a sexy way while standing, or play with your hair while
imagining that you’re feeling like a superstar on the bed right now.
But soon enough, the awkwardness transformed into playfulness.
The biggest surprise of all for me, is how I looked like in the photos she captured. When I was doing a ‘movement pose’ such as walking into the door ready to ‘have some fun’, she was pressing the shutter button non-stop while saying ‘oh wow! yes that’s good!’. Fierce, confident, alluring, vixen, all womanly, and not even needing to act like a skinny model while doing so.
When I picked up the printed photobook that was part of my package, I had a bit of a chat with the photographer. I was amazed at how many of the clients the photographer had, were indeed, survivors of sexual violence. Our conversations touched on perception of women in general, the “male gaze” and how it impacts our own perception of ourselves.
In the very visual way we live our lives these days, I figured, using that to my advantage is worth it. It was pretty neat to turn something used to objectify women, professionally photographs, into an opportunity to challenge unhealthy views about one’s self. I feel inclined to do this again, perhaps in five to ten years, to celebrate any transformations in my body, while celebrating my personhood and womanhood. This is something I definitely would encourage other people to consider, particularly if their trauma affects their outlook of their physical bodies and their vision of themselves.
In preparation for my solo vacation to New York City, I posted on Facebook any recommendations that people have.
I just finished reading the book, a classic, called “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”
This is a thank you note, and a book review for the person who recommended that I read this book, pastor/ neighbour James Lavoy
May 8, 2019
Just in time, about a week and a half before my vacation to New York City during May long weekend. I have finished reading the book you recommended, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. The story is about a young girl named Francie, who grew up in an impoverished block in Brooklyn, New York, in the early 1900s.The story follows her experiences with childhood, with poverty and hardships casting a shadow of pain and complications.
You were right, and I am thrilled, the reading the book will give me a unique insight and deeper appreciation of this part of the city I will be visiting. I’m looking forward to exploring the city, and crossing the bridge, that seemed grand and dreamy from the main character’s childlike perspective.
I appreciate the writer’s style, how she managed to use the English language in a way that it is still understandable for someone like myself, a person who speaks English as my second language, reading the book almost a hundred years later. One aspect that I was surprised about, as I haven’t encountered it before, is the lack of quotations that indicate dialogue. The narration was written in third person, but from Francie’s perspective, so when the sentence structure shifts into dialogue, I have to take a moment to make sure I can keep track of who is speaking. Is it her mother, or her Aunt Sissy, or her father, or Francie and Neely? When Francie has her imaginative monologues or daydreams, wondering, speculating about her observations and the future, the lack of quotation marks or font changes jolts me a little bit, but in a good way.
Given my lack of education about the immigration stories of Americans, the backstories of Francie’s parents and grandparents are quite fascinating to me. As an immigrant to a North American country, it seemed like the struggles of adjustment and coping had stayed the same all these years.
My personal experiences and circumstances growing up made Francie’s experiences and expressions of frustration so real, so relatable, they made my heart skip a beat. The chapter when at age 13, she was almost raped by the serial rapist/ child murderer in the block, and her desire to ‘clean off’ her leg that was touched by the man’s penis, was something I completely understand. Her joy and satisfaction of going to the library, the escape that reading those books have brought, took me back to similar memories. The language reflected everyone growing old and being shaped by their life experiences, and this is demonstrated in an accelerated rate in many ways. One example is in the diary entries that Francie wrote for a while. Another example is on how her relationship with her English teacher has evolved from deep admiration, to resentment of her teacher’s lack of appreciation of poverty and hardship as meaningful topics to write ‘beautiful’ literature.
The defeated and blunt ways the women talked about the realities they face is a reminder of how many of those perspectives are prevalent these days. The details of their simple meals, creatively crafted from already squashed or leftover products that can be bought for a discount, the resentment of being branded as the ‘poor and dirty one’, the heartbreak of trading off going to school in order to make a living, took my mind on a travel through time that was both fifteen years ago and a hundred years ago at the same time.
The chapters are quite short and are an easy read. I personally haven’t read too many ‘classic’ fiction novels, so I’m not quite sure whether the style is a reflection of the time. The language also reflects the culture and the characters, so I had to keep that in mind when a character makes stereotypical comments or descriptions about people from other cultures.
The story ends in an optimistic note, where it is evident that life had turned for the better, for Francie, her mother, brother and baby sister, and that it was only going to get better from there. I really enjoyed reading the book and am grateful for the recommendation.
Moving forward, when time permits, I think that reading a book about one’s vacation destination is a great way to enrich one’s experiences, a great adventure for the mind before even getting there!