By: Giselle General
Lately, my corner of the internet is full of discussions about how couples share responsibilities in the home, how in many cases the division of tasks could get unequal, and passionate opinions on what to do when this is the case. I wanted to add my two bits into this discourse, not to side myself with a specific point of view, but to reflect and assess my situation as someone who is married for coming into five years (wow!) and sharing a home with my now-husband for coming into thirteen years.
In 2022 when my husband started to work for my father-in-law, he would go to work four days a week and then go to school remotely on Fridays. On these days he would be in the home office for most of the day, taking breaks only for lunch. Then he started to do one task which is doing laundry. It’s easy enough to do in between long study sessions since we only have two loads of laundry between us. Last year, around October 2023, he took a break from schooling on Fridays and it became what we now officially call as Househusband Friday.
How does it look like? It starts with us doing our own thing for breakfast and then once I’m ready to leave to the office for work, he would walk me to the bus stop. So we’ll have that small bit of quality time during the walk until the bus picks me up and I wave goodbye looking out the window. Maybe it looks like I’m a child being dropped off the yellow bus to school, but I don’t care. I love it. It’s sweet. It’s very kilig – Filipinos would get it!
Then when he gets home, from 8 AM to 1 PM he would nonstop work on the list of tasks. These included weekly chores like doing laundry and dishes, semi-monthly chores like vacuuming, dusting and grocery shopping, and the as-requested tasks like disposing items to the eco-station, changing the batteries of smoke detectors, deep cleaning the very top shelf of the kitchen cabinets, and more. He would then relax for a couple of hours, and then make dinner.
If there’s one thing we both love – I mean aside from each other – it’s our task lists. So it is not weird, unromantic, or offensive to have a list on our whiteboard of the things to do and even what I would like to have for our dinner. I’m pretty flexible with it actually. After a few months of this routine, it feels so nice to come home to a warm meal and a yummy drink (usually a smoothie) ready. And usually there’s leftovers enough for one or two meals on the weekend.
Then as the weekend comes, it’s my turn. I love to neatly put away our clothes, so I’m in charge of folding and hanging laundry. When the bathroom needs deep cleaning, that’s on me as well. I do prepare any other meals for the weekend, while he finds time to check his budget and pay the shared home bills. If there’s a home tasks we need to do together, we find time for them as well. If the chore is a bit creative, we like to consider it a mini date, like when we made this lawn ornament a few weeks ago.
The day before the start of the work week, usually Sunday or Monday of a holiday long weekend, is the busiest for me as I meal prep for the week. But it’s not all me. My husband cooks the meal we bring to his father’s place for our regular Sunday dinner, or as we call it, “Spaghetti Sunday” because we mostly make spaghetti and meatballs.
As a couple we also like having titles or official terminology on things we do. We describe ourselves as “team communicate”, we ask for a “feelings check” or start the “intensity check” process when we are stressed, so “househusband Friday” was a very welcome addition. Once a month, we also have a dedicated “plant maintenance day” for when we clean and re-organize our 12 Aerogarden units for our indoor farming set up.
During the week, we strive to cover for each other too. We load, run, and unload the dishwasher with minimal prompting. When I make one of the upcycled outfits and bits of thread and fabric are strewn over the dining table, I do a quick sweep with the walis, a plant-based soft broom imported from the Philippines. He is good at preventing messes from happening in the first place.
Truth to be told, I really appreciate that there’s more awareness and discussion about how couples divide household chores. I feel horrified at the stories I read about how apparently, husbands would deliberately and maliciously mess up a task to make their spouses upset to the point of not asking for help again. I remember being stunned at learning the term weaponized incompetence, but it fits in many cases.
The tricky and nuanced part is determining when to confront, when to educate, when to accommodate, and when to finally terminate the relationship. In online discourse where stories are condensed and context could be incomplete, it can feel excessive to see suggestions of “throw the whole man away.” But there are times when it’s valid. There can be times though when digging deeper through the root of the problem, whether it is trauma, illness, difference in cognitive abilities, lack of education but with willingness to learn, or something else, can help make a process that works for everyone involved.
I think it’s partly why I cringe when some people claim that a to-do list is too childish or offensive. And if a list is a no-go, I could imagine the haters when they find out how I write the grocery list for my husband since he started going alone during Househusband Fridays. Not only is it handwritten (gasp!), I make a new one every time instead of a standard list (gasp again!), the items are arranged based on type of item and also listed sequentially based on the layout of the store. Personally it is the ultimate example of setting someone up for success and making the tasks as quick and efficient as possible.
In my humble opinion, chores are most of the time not fun. Anything and everything that can be done to make it as quick, efficient, and enjoyable for the couple as they do them individually and together, is a win. I heard the argument that money is the main reason for divorce. I’d say a second close one is conflict with domestic duties as they are part of everyday life. It these issues are unresolved, it can affect someone multiple times a day, and can really wear people down over time.
Appreciation goes a long way too. Maybe it seems childish, but the occasional compliment for completing chores or admiring the outcome can help remind our spouses that the we see the effort they do. I think the most common phrase we say in my home is “thank you, baby!”
Chores and the domestics are an integral part of one’s health and keeping the relationship strong and sustainable. If there’s one thing I wish all couples have, is to reach a state of domestic delight. That the mundane aspects of maintaining their home is a source of joy, security, confidence and bonding.
During one of the househusband Fridays this summer, I had the day off. He still went through most of the tasks on the list, but I took over some of the seasonal tasks I added earlier this week. He did the weekly laundry and dishes and the vacuuming for the month. I mowed the grass, reorganized our little backyard patio, from the furniture, the barbeque and the pile of bags of refundable bottles. Afterwards he started to install a second-hand printer we got, until it got so frustrating that he smashed it just like in Office Space. He wanted that printer out of the house ASAP so we went to the eco-station to dump it off.
As we waited for our turn to enter the eco-station gate he asked, “Does this count as a date?”
Giggling I said, “Of course!”
We continued to hold hands, with his other hand on the wheel, while the car idled along a queue of cars with people doing the same mundane task of disposing their trash.
FilipinaYEG 