On a previous post, I mentioned about our monthly routine to take care of all our indoor hydroponics gardening that we named “Plant Maintenance Day”, which we just completed today. I thought it would be cool to show a glimpse of the process to make sure that the plants are as healthy as they can be and that the equipment lasts as long as possible.
Newer models of the Aerogarden are much easier to clean, just like this oval shaped unit with no strangely shaped components inside the water basin. This basil plant looks overall healthy, although the slightly brown shade of the roots is a slight concern.
This Jalapeno plant is getting tall, and the clear roots is a sign that it’s healthy. We just harvested dozens of peppers a few weeks ago and there’s more that are developing. It is nice to see the roots while I washed the underside of the plant unit.
I’m so relieved that our sink has one of those faucets with a movable spout as it makes filling water in containers easier, including for the planters after washing them.
I guess there is strength in unity! This long Aerogarden unit where we planted all six pods with lettuce, had their roots intertwined with each other. I just needed to trim the bottom a little bit because if the roots fill in the container (which has happened before), the plant will start to get ill.
It’s a production line cleaning all the 12 Aerogarden units. After I finish cleaning them and re-filling with fresh water, I place them on the dining table, ready to be returned to our plant shelf.
These bright and white roots are a delight to see under the other Aerogarden unit we planted with lettuce. Two of the planters with lettuce is the perfect amount to make enough salads for the husband’s work lunches for the week.
This strawberry plant is not looking well at all. It looks like strawberries are not a good fit for hydroponics gardening of this style. But we wanted to give this one more chance, so it goes the usual treatment of getting the roots washed as well as the whole planter.
After each planter gets fresh water, they get a new dose of fertilizer as well. A syringe makes measuring and placing this liquid very easy.
This planter is the top shelf, so it’s about five and a half feet high and I had to reach with a step stool. While this is a good spot to put the fertilizer in, I just had to go with whatever hole I’m able to reach and see clearly.
The height of all the plants need to be limited, otherwise they will hit the top panel with the lights and the bulbs get damaged. So this one got a very aggressive “haircut” from me today. Then I harvested all the peppers that were turning red.
And after cleaning off all the random plant leaves and dirt that have fallen off during the cleanup, the plants are happy for another month!
It’s remarkable how we have been doing this for almost three years now. While working side by side today, he asked me if I would consider outdoor gardening. I said not anytime soon, because I truly enjoy seeing the greenery all year long, as well as the delicious harvests that we get. As long as we have the energy to do the detailed cleanup once a month, adding water and fertilizer as needed, and harvest regularly before the fruits get overripe, we’ll keep this routine as is.
Most people plan elaborate parties, find a fun public event with fireworks and a festive way to count down to midnight, some even post a long heartfelt social media posts with photos taken throughout the year, others may claim that staying at home to have a restful night is the best way to spend the day. There’s a wide array of things people do to bring in the new year.
For my husband and I, we eagerly count down to our distinct personal occasion, that we tell people about it. Do we look forward to this day with the same enthusiasm as our anniversary? It’s possible!
It’s our annual Budget Deliberation Day! It’s when we wait until the last business day of the year for our online purchases to process, add all the information in our budgeting software, assess our expenses for the past 12 months and then set our budget for the upcoming year.
When a colleague asked my husband what activities we have planned for the holiday break, he mentioned about Budget Deliberation Day. His colleague claimed “if my spouse and I do that, we will get divorced!” I can see how that can be the case for many couples and families. It’s difficult to talk about money. Having what could look like a business meeting to talk about an integral part of our personal lives, can feel coldhearted and harsh. I suppose for my husband and I, that is the point of having a dedicated day and process for this, it eliminates stress and anxiousness because it is predictable, safe, calm and with a mindset of informing and supporting each other.
We did not do this right away after we moved in together. What I do know was when he bought his own home for the first time, he also got a budgeting software. Just as boyfriend-girlfriend at that time, whenever I come over to his place, he would eagerly show the charts and graphs of his income and expenses and the sub-categories for each. During this time I was living with my relatives still, who didn’t have a system about budgeting that they taught me. So I was winging it as a young adult in my 20’s, using spreadsheets and even the free version of the Mint budgeting app at the time.
When we moved in together I still used my own system, including the built-in budgeting interface that was part of my bank’s online banking. Year after year, the boyfriend – then turned common-law partner – continued to show me the software, gently encouraging me to finally give it a try. When my bank removed the budgeting section off their online banking, I figured it is time to do it. If we are going to build a life together long term, might as well have an easier way to discuss finances. After all, we are “team communicate!”
So what happens during budget deliberation day? Not a whole lot actually. Since throughout the year, we regularly add our budget information in the software, we already have a good sense of our income and expenses. It’s not like we have no clue what is happening and have sort through 12 months of information. We check the long term information such as net worth, investments, money we can easily access and withdraw. We check our income and expenses to see how much they match up with what we have anticipated at the beginning of the year.
One very important thing to note is this is not a time to shame each other, and ourselves, if we went over budget on certain categories. Since we are not in debt and have some money in our chequing account, we know that going over budget is not going to hurt us in the long run. It could be just a sign that for next year, we just need to increase the budget in that category.
Our categories are not identical either, and that is not the point for us anyways. For me, I wanted to clearly see how much I spend on groceries compared to eating out, so those are separate categories. For the husband, eating out is combined with the rest of his “fun personal” expenses category. For the longest time it was difficult for me to set boundaries about giving financial help to relatives overseas. Setting the budget for that category and assessing it every year helped me set boundaries so I can help wholeheartedly without being resentful, and without compromising my financial goals. Besides, if I get into financial trouble, no one from the motherland can help me.
We plug our computers onto the monitor and show each other the software page, the chats and the numbers. We might have to ask to raise a budget category. The whole thing takes about two hours tops. Today we finished right before lunch, and that’s with both of us sleeping in.
The software is not the fanciest one around but that never mattered to us. The colours are straightforward enough, and the charts in different formats (line, pie, bar, doughnut, custom) are fun to read. We have this in our computers, so not an app on our phone, which I think prevents us from obsessing about budgeting in a toxic way.
He’s used the budgeting software for 15 years now, and I have for seven. I think the most fascinating realization for me is how the numbers and charts tell a story. In his net worth chart, the largest dip in the line graph was when we traveled overseas for the first time. He had to spend a lot of money and also lost wages for three months. For me, the steepest decline in my line graph was when we downsized from a single family home to a town house and I used my savings to pay for a portion of the house. It’s so worth it though – because we were mortgage free afterwards!
Budget Deliberation Day is also an opportunity for us to talk about potential big expenses for the upcoming year. This helped us plan for a new roof, hot water tank and furnace. This helped us plan for our big adventures, whether it is travel, changing careers while ensuring we can pay our bills while finding a new job, running for politics, or aggressively increasing our retirement savings. I personally think that unexpected financial surprises, especially the type when the other person can claim “you could have talked to me about this sooner because you knew!” is what causes conflict between couples, not the actual numbers being shown in the budget.
It’s truly a solid way to start the year, secure and confident in my ability to be financially aware, appreciate my spouse for his diligence, and look forward to our future together.
Lately, my corner of the internet is full of discussions about how couples share responsibilities in the home, how in many cases the division of tasks could get unequal, and passionate opinions on what to do when this is the case. I wanted to add my two bits into this discourse, not to side myself with a specific point of view, but to reflect and assess my situation as someone who is married for coming into five years (wow!) and sharing a home with my now-husband for coming into thirteen years.
In 2022 when my husband started to work for my father-in-law, he would go to work four days a week and then go to school remotely on Fridays. On these days he would be in the home office for most of the day, taking breaks only for lunch. Then he started to do one task which is doing laundry. It’s easy enough to do in between long study sessions since we only have two loads of laundry between us. Last year, around October 2023, he took a break from schooling on Fridays and it became what we now officially call as Househusband Friday.
How does it look like? It starts with us doing our own thing for breakfast and then once I’m ready to leave to the office for work, he would walk me to the bus stop. So we’ll have that small bit of quality time during the walk until the bus picks me up and I wave goodbye looking out the window. Maybe it looks like I’m a child being dropped off the yellow bus to school, but I don’t care. I love it. It’s sweet. It’s very kilig – Filipinos would get it!
Then when he gets home, from 8 AM to 1 PM he would nonstop work on the list of tasks. These included weekly chores like doing laundry and dishes, semi-monthly chores like vacuuming, dusting and grocery shopping, and the as-requested tasks like disposing items to the eco-station, changing the batteries of smoke detectors, deep cleaning the very top shelf of the kitchen cabinets, and more. He would then relax for a couple of hours, and then make dinner.
If there’s one thing we both love – I mean aside from each other – it’s our task lists. So it is not weird, unromantic, or offensive to have a list on our whiteboard of the things to do and even what I would like to have for our dinner. I’m pretty flexible with it actually. After a few months of this routine, it feels so nice to come home to a warm meal and a yummy drink (usually a smoothie) ready. And usually there’s leftovers enough for one or two meals on the weekend.
Then as the weekend comes, it’s my turn. I love to neatly put away our clothes, so I’m in charge of folding and hanging laundry. When the bathroom needs deep cleaning, that’s on me as well. I do prepare any other meals for the weekend, while he finds time to check his budget and pay the shared home bills. If there’s a home tasks we need to do together, we find time for them as well. If the chore is a bit creative, we like to consider it a mini date, like when we made this lawn ornament a few weeks ago.
The day before the start of the work week, usually Sunday or Monday of a holiday long weekend, is the busiest for me as I meal prep for the week. But it’s not all me. My husband cooks the meal we bring to his father’s place for our regular Sunday dinner, or as we call it, “Spaghetti Sunday” because we mostly make spaghetti and meatballs.
As a couple we also like having titles or official terminology on things we do. We describe ourselves as “team communicate”, we ask for a “feelings check” or start the “intensity check” process when we are stressed, so “househusband Friday” was a very welcome addition. Once a month, we also have a dedicated “plant maintenance day” for when we clean and re-organize our 12 Aerogarden units for our indoor farming set up.
During the week, we strive to cover for each other too. We load, run, and unload the dishwasher with minimal prompting. When I make one of the upcycled outfits and bits of thread and fabric are strewn over the dining table, I do a quick sweep with the walis, a plant-based soft broom imported from the Philippines. He is good at preventing messes from happening in the first place.
Truth to be told, I really appreciate that there’s more awareness and discussion about how couples divide household chores. I feel horrified at the stories I read about how apparently, husbands would deliberately and maliciously mess up a task to make their spouses upset to the point of not asking for help again. I remember being stunned at learning the term weaponized incompetence, but it fits in many cases.
The tricky and nuanced part is determining when to confront, when to educate, when to accommodate, and when to finally terminate the relationship. In online discourse where stories are condensed and context could be incomplete, it can feel excessive to see suggestions of “throw the whole man away.” But there are times when it’s valid. There can be times though when digging deeper through the root of the problem, whether it is trauma, illness, difference in cognitive abilities, lack of education but with willingness to learn, or something else, can help make a process that works for everyone involved.
I think it’s partly why I cringe when some people claim that a to-do list is too childish or offensive. And if a list is a no-go, I could imagine the haters when they find out how I write the grocery list for my husband since he started going alone during Househusband Fridays. Not only is it handwritten (gasp!), I make a new one every time instead of a standard list (gasp again!), the items are arranged based on type of item and also listed sequentially based on the layout of the store. Personally it is the ultimate example of setting someone up for success and making the tasks as quick and efficient as possible.
In my humble opinion, chores are most of the time not fun. Anything and everything that can be done to make it as quick, efficient, and enjoyable for the couple as they do them individually and together, is a win. I heard the argument that money is the main reason for divorce. I’d say a second close one is conflict with domestic duties as they are part of everyday life. It these issues are unresolved, it can affect someone multiple times a day, and can really wear people down over time.
Appreciation goes a long way too. Maybe it seems childish, but the occasional compliment for completing chores or admiring the outcome can help remind our spouses that the we see the effort they do. I think the most common phrase we say in my home is “thank you, baby!”
Chores and the domestics are an integral part of one’s health and keeping the relationship strong and sustainable. If there’s one thing I wish all couples have, is to reach a state of domestic delight. That the mundane aspects of maintaining their home is a source of joy, security, confidence and bonding.
During one of the househusband Fridays this summer, I had the day off. He still went through most of the tasks on the list, but I took over some of the seasonal tasks I added earlier this week. He did the weekly laundry and dishes and the vacuuming for the month. I mowed the grass, reorganized our little backyard patio, from the furniture, the barbeque and the pile of bags of refundable bottles. Afterwards he started to install a second-hand printer we got, until it got so frustrating that he smashed it just like in Office Space. He wanted that printer out of the house ASAP so we went to the eco-station to dump it off.
As we waited for our turn to enter the eco-station gate he asked, “Does this count as a date?”
Giggling I said, “Of course!”
We continued to hold hands, with his other hand on the wheel, while the car idled along a queue of cars with people doing the same mundane task of disposing their trash.
In some ways we are unconventional and I love it! My husband likes to tease me about the ways I have showed ‘public affection’, more specifically, broadcasting about our relationship and marriage.
I’d usually respond, “Well, what do you expect when you are married to someone so amazing?”
Public Art
Around summer 2017, because it was the 150th year anniversary of Canada being founded, there were numerous projects and community activities to participate in. In our former neighbourhood, we applied for grant funding to achieve two goals in one – a community building exercise and a combination of public art with prevention of unwanted graffiti. Over a few weekends, residents had a chance to sign up for a spot, plan their artistic idea, and go to the public sound barrier walls to paint their masterpiece.
During that weekend in June I multitasked, supporting everyone painting by making sure they have enough paint and snacks, while painting my own mural as well. As a result, I made a simple, cutesy painting of him and me, with the phrase “Did You Know You’re My Love”. It was fun and five years later, while some of the paint is fading a bit, it is still in good shape. The best part, even after we moved to a different neighbourhood here on the west end, we can still visit the location by walking. And it’s so much fun dropping by to see our mural, and the dozens of other ones painted during that summer.
Public Speeches
While I’m not as frequent and intense as Ned from the Try Guys that I mention my spouse every single moment of every single day, I’d like to think I make up for it in quality. Back in 2019, I was nervous when I applied as a speaker for Edmonton’s Next Gen speaking event called Pecha Kucha Night. My topic can be described as bit too personal and perhaps uncomfortable for a public audience. It’s titled “Dating a Sexual Assault Survivor”. But I felt in my heart, that my husband and everything he did was amazing, particularly when it comes to caring for someone with a lot of traumatic baggage, and there is a lot.
I was so relieved that I got accepted as a speaker. A bonus is that the event took place a month after our wedding, which was in front of the mural I painted a few years back. It was the perfect way to end the speech. When I got to the part where I said “so a few months ago, I proposed to him and he said yes!” and the large screen showed a wedding photo, cheers erupted from the audience. With all that said, the most valuable part for me is sharing my experience and potentially useful advice on how to love, care and be intimate with a sexual assault survivor. I hope that other couples were able to learn something from it.
Public Articles
While sure, we have our artwork in our house and our private diaries over the years, another way our relationship has been documented publicly is through articles, paid freelance articles, where my relationship with him is a major aspect of the topic.
There’s these two ones through CBC, a major broadcasting outlet in Canada:
And there’s this other one from a local project focused on preserving local heritage and stories:
Whenever I write something that will be published in a large platform like this, I strive to be mindful of the content and language. There are a some topics he is sensitive about so I don’t include it at all. The angle always focused on being informative, maybe a bit romantic but not necessarily explicitly sexual, wholesome and inspirational. So far, I am three for three in these articles. For my larger scale writing projects, this is something I will strive to maintain.
The husband accepts the fact that I’m a bit of a public figure in my own way, and I like to do projects and activities that reaches a wide audience sometimes. As a couple, we have embraced and enjoyed avoiding the trap of obligatory gift-giving for every single occasion, which has saved us a lot of stress and money. I’d say that these are more fun and something you cannot buy from a store!
FilipinaYEG 