Category: Personal

The Quest And New Options for “Belonging”

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By: Giselle General

With all the conversation about social isolation, mental health, and disconnectedness these days, I have been thinking more about the concept of belonging.

My explorations range from simply thinking things trough, mulling through my head various things I read or hear about and reading books on the matter. I read a few books by Brene Brown on vulnerability, shame, and the idea of ‘daring greatly’ and ‘braving the wilderness’ which on the surface sounds really isolating.

As someone who immigrated to a different country, the concept of belonging gets a bit more muddled. One challenge is the labels we use to identify ourselves can mean not belonging to other groups. Or that more effort or clarification is needed to make the broad connection.

Perhaps it is just a sign of getting older, that I am faced with more paradoxes in life, it’s making my head spin. Assertiveness and collaboration, boundaries and openness, vulnerability and courage, sharing and preserving.

It wasn’t until a few years in university that I discovered a term that resonated with me: introvert. It is a part of who I am that I have learned to embrace and even let shine. I laugh whenever my colleagues and volunteers claim that they don’t believe me since I seem to be so social and cheerful when I interact with them at work. But most of my work is done well within the confines of my closed office door. And that at the end of the day I crave isolation while writing a blog, reading a book, or browsing online. I have attended a ‘Paint Nite’ event with a friend, where we were in a bar following instructions from an instructor on how to make a certain painting. That is fine and neat, but I felt greater satisfaction and artistic expression by doing arts and crafts in isolation, making a mess in our dining table all by myself.

There are times when I feel unease – not as intensely as guilt though – over the fact that I have not really spent time socializing with my relatives. I feel conflicted on who, when and how should we really hang out. Should I ask first? Should I wait for them to reach out? I feel that those gatherings are not as fun as they used to, or was that because I haven’t seen them for a long time? Is the fact that we are related by blood, enough reason to find time to meet up, despite differences in schedule, preferences and values?

Then there is technology. There are now plenty of online communities to connect with like-minded people, even over just that one thing you may have in common. In my opinion, these types of connections are still under-valued. The great benefit of these online forums is how specific they can be, and that specificity of common interest is what makes it difficult to find in real life sometimes. Currently, I am a member of online groups for bullet journaling (essentially a DIY planner/ diary/ scrapbook/ notebook hybrid), sex education and positivity, and being childfree by choice.

One thing I am trying to remind myself is that there is no such thing as feeling like you belong 100% in every single location or setting. And that IS okay! It seems like the excessive pressure to hang out with people is the very reason why social interactions can be unpleasant or not satisfying. Being present, and mindful, and curious are a few things I’m trying to integrate in my life. On in other words, rolling with the punches.

The last thing I am trying to remind myself in the quest of belonging, is that its imperfections and impermanence is not something to be afraid of. It is okay to have a childhood friend for a decade, be disconnected during the adult years, and perhaps, rediscover the kinship upon retirement age. It is okay to take a break or unflollow online groups if it seems like the right thing to do. It is okay to formally break a friendship or let it fade away by not corresponding. It is okay to mumble and be awkward and focus on your group’s activity, taking extra time before disclosing personal details.

The two statements I heard not too long ago that resonated with me is “I feel complete in an empty room” and “You are amazing, just the way you are”. I think that convincing myself of the first statement, and viewing other using the second statement, will be valuable guides in navigating the colourful, unpredictable, messy, journey of connecting with fellow humans.

Love Language Reflections: On Food

Posted in Edmonton, Family, Family History, Personal, Philippine Culture, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

By: Giselle General

The Generals, my father’s side, in my mind is the side of the family that rules when it comes to food.My father was responsible for that reputation. My limited childhood memories of him consists of him planning our meals and delegating our yaya (nanny) with specific instructions on what cut of meat, what vegetables to buy, as well as step-by-step cooking instructions. He would write them in neat block letters using the scrap paper he brought home from his office and hang it up on the fridge. On weekends whenever he has the time, he would make pancakes using a specific store-bought mix, but my young self watched in wonder as he would make sugar syrup from scratch. He would show me in the little pot the sugar and water combination while cautiously warning me that it is very, very hot. Now thinking about it, that makes sense since he works as the supervisor for the Safety Department in the mining town we lived in. It’s one of the small and loving memories of him that I’ll always cherish.

And then there’s his mother, my grandma, who also serves incredible food when we come to visit. My family lives almost an 8 hour ride from Metro Manila, where my father’s side lives. Whenever we visit for about a week and a half shortly after Christmas up to New Year’s Day, we get treated with grandma’s most popular and incredibly tasty foods. Almondigas (asian noodle soup with pork meatballs), embutido (steamed meatloaf rolled like logs), macaroni pasta, beef mushroom, carbonara and more. I learned that making party trays of these dishes is her main way of making a livelihood. If I remember correctly, for the payment she gets for the party tray, she is able to cook enough to fulfill the order and make extra for at least two meals for a fairly large family.

After my father, mother and sister passed away, my brother and I continued the tradition of this annual visit to Manila, and when we do arrive, we embrace the warm feelings from having these foods again. Grandma would always say whenever she serves a dish, something like “oh this one, your Papa loves it when I make this” or “I remember when you were kids, your Ate (big sister) keeps on saying this is her favourite.”

Now, I have been trying to replicate some of these recipes. Some more easy than others because the products that you buy here are a bit different. Instant Cream of Mushoom Soup is an example. In Canada you buy it in cans, while in the Philippines, it is in powder form. I messaged a cousin on Facebook for the recipe and made it one night when we hosted my partner’s family in our condo.

During our very recent trip to the Philippines in December 2018, as always my partner and I had to be deliberate on which restaurant we go to for meals, given his food allergies and sensitivities. A go-to place for us is this all-day breakfast place called Pancake House which we discovered and really enjoyed during our last visit in 2013 as well. This time around, we had a chance to go there with my uncle, the only living brother of my father. He said more than once that that restaurant is one of the two places grandma really likes to go.

My grandma passed away a few years ago, and I’m pleased to hear that my relatives try to make some of these dishes themselves. It becomes a positive point of conversation among them, and it is starting to be part of my life too despite living literally on the opposite side of the world. I guess it’s just fitting that during the upcoming long weekend I will try to make the Almondigas soup while it’s super cold as heck here in Edmonton. Memories, habits, personalities are transmitted and memorialized in food, a really meaningful and powerful love language.

Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup – My Challenge with Giving Donations

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By: Giselle General

Whether it is from being more connected through social media, or with just being more connected in the community where I live now, I feel that I have been receiving so many more requests for help, specifically financial help. And all of these calls for financial help are for a good cause, from shelters for refugees in a land with no infrastructure, to programming to help with Indigenous awareness and culture preservation, to keeping abused animals safe, to keeping abuse children safe. Some programs are meant to help in an immediate, tangible matter such as meals or clothing, some are for advocacy work to help change policy which impacts people on a massive scale. There’s just so much.

With all of these requests, I frequently feel compelled to give and help. Unfortunately, I have the very human condition of having limitations and uncertainties. Here are some of the challenges I face and my ongoing attempts to deal with them.

For social enterprises or fundraisers, it can conflict with my minimalist/ anticonsumerist perspective I am trying to adapt. I am not a big spender to begin with when it comes to the day-to-day items I need. So I struggle when there is a social enterprise with a sales model where you buy one item, you give the same item to someone in need. This can be shoes, bags, dolls, socks, etc. Same thing with food fundraisers. My grocery habits are quite fixed, so buying extra meat, veggies, cookies, soaps for fundraisers will cause waste in my home. At this rate, I generally avoid participating for this very reason. I try to find other means to help.

Setting a limit – as in financially – is so essential and so hard. Thanks to my significant other, I have found a system where I budget for every type of expense I incur, and track them in a convenient and systematic way. So yes, I am aware of how much I have been spending towards charitable donations. Not all of them even qualify for a tax receipt, particularly if it is directly assisting a person through the MyYEGStrong Twitter Account or initiatives through GoFundMe. I’m not simply after tax benefits, not at all, but I need to be mindful of the total monthly and annual costs

Unfortunately, I have the very human condition of having limitations and uncertainties.

I’m trying to master the delicate art of gracefully saying no, without shame. For people who feel compelled to give, there is a heavy feeling of guilt that can arise from being unable to give what is being asked. When I have to say no, I try to provide an explanation, saying that perhaps I can help in the future, and wishing them well in their fundraising endeavours. One thing that I avoid doing is “ghosting”, or essentially ignoring the message completely. I’m not perfect at it, but I know that having an answer is better than none at all.

A few sayings are starting to become more popular these days, such as “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and “you need to put your own oxygen mask first before assisting others“. Another idea that I’m starting to internalize is “everyone is trying to do the best they can with what they have“. This is what has helped me with both being kind with my limitations, and being proud of what I am able to do.

Giving in non-material or non-financial ways are plentiful, and I’m realizing that they are very much appreciated as well. There are other ways to help out such as time, organizational skills, knowledge and feedback, and spreading awareness. I had a friend tell me that she ended up volunteering for a youth-related initiative because of a social media post that I shared. I wasn’t able to donate or attend that event, but it looks like it inspired someone else to do so. I have started volunteering for casinos for charitable organizations, which is a huge thing around these parts. Filling out government surveys or sending a thoughtful response to a government official about a certain topic can help cause a positive change in the law. There are a lot of options, great ones, that will always be available when one is ready and able to give again.

Managing Winter Without Driving Yourself Nuts

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By: Giselle General

Living in Canada comes with a huge adjustment coming from one thing: winter! Even those who lived in colder regions like the Cordilleras or Tagaytay in the Philippines, are not spared from the shock, the pain, and the hassle from having to deal with temperatures that rival our refrigerators and freezers. This list is a small collection of different techniques on managing the season, especially in a place like Edmonton where winter can get cold and long.

Have a person who appreciates your city. My spouse is a born-and-raised Edmontonian so I am lucky in that regard. This has helped us do activities (both winter related and not winter related) to keep us from feeling too trapped in the house all the time. If there isn’t one, be that person!

Have a positive, or at least neutral, emotional reaction to winter-related household chores. The complaining will likely only compound the sting of frigid weather as you shovel the sidewalks, brush off the snow of the car windows, or sprinkle gravel when it is zero degrees and everything starts to get icy. Procrastinating on winter clearing tasks can actually make them more difficult or more expensive. Snow that is already packed in or stepped on is heavier and more difficult to scrape off. Ignoring the draft on a window or door that is not sealed can increase one’s heating bill. Denying that patch of ice on the sidewalk or stairs can cause an accident.

Learn about and appreciate what your government does when it comes to snow clearing. Snow clearing is the responsibility of the municipal government for roads and public places. Follow the law on what happens right after a large snowfall such as the parking ban, which means not parking your car along a road so the machinery can clear snow effectively. Another important task – and it is the law – is clearing the snow in front of your home, business or any other building you own. It may be a drag, but perhaps thinking of this as following the principle of “tapat ko, linis ko” can be a motivation. That saying translates to something like “It’s my ongoing duty to clean and maintain the space in front of me”. And if something that is supposed to be cleared by government staff was not done properly, it’s okay to send a report – they are not going to kill you! Any resident can call, email or use the 311 app to mention what needs to be fixed and its location.

Walking safely in winter. A mantra I have started to deliberately embrace is “better late than injured”. It took me three years to eventually hear about the “penguin walking technique” to minimize the likelihood of slipping when the pathways are tricky. I have yet to learn how to land safely when I inevitably slip, though I kept on hearing that it’s better to fall backwards on your butt than falling forwards on your face.

Try at least one winter activity and it doesn’t have to be an expensive one. The simplest is going for walks in our River Valley Trails. They are beautiful at all times of the year and it’s such a sight in the winter! Community leagues and churches in your neightbourhood will likely host at least one winter-related activity and our city has lots of winter festivals! Candy Cane Lane is a must-visit at least once. Our city even has a website specified for this, called Winter City Edmonton, where you can learn more information about different activities, both outdoor and indoor that you can try during the season. And if you are the charitable type, there are different fun walks/ fundraisers you can participate in that not only helps those who are most affected by winter and homelessness, but shares a valuable perspective about living during winter. There are lots of them, but two examples are the Coldest Night of The Year and Cold Hands Warm Heart.

Proper winter gear is a form of essential self care. To the Filipinos out there: during typhoon season we would want to be well equipped with an umbrella and raincoat right? It’s the same thing with winter. Find the pair of gloves that work with you and get an extra pair. There are anti-slip ice cleats that you can put on your shoes to make your walk less slippery. There are even rechargeable heated insoles for your shoes to keep your feet from freezing. There are attachments to help handling the snow shovel more easily so you won’t hurt your back. These items are worth it. Caring for your health and protecting your body is worth it.

Small talk about weather is fine, but don’t stop at the complaining. I think it’s a Canadian norm here, that at the lunch table or as a casual conversation topic in an event, the first topic is about the weather. That in itself is OK, but if it’s winter, it usually focused on complaining about how cold it is. I think this perpetuates that winter is nothing but awful, when it’s just how it is. I encourage anyone to insert something to make the conversation more positive or more interesting, perhaps talking about any topic related to the tips above. A volunteer lawyer at work was the first one who talked to me about the anti-slip ice cleats, so our conversation ended with a vibe of gratitude. A colleague during lunch talked about the Coldest Night of the Year fundraiser, and I left that conversation amazed at the community initiative. Another colleague lives in an acreage and tells all these adorable stories about the wildlife that roam around during winter.

There is beauty and adventure and excitement that can only be had during this season, and the not-so-fun stuff is actually just as manageable as mowing the lawn in the summer. I hope that some of these tips are helpful and that you can find other ones that keep you warm, safe and happy during winter!

The Privilege of Hot Water

Posted in Edmonton, Personal, Philippine Culture, Social IssuesTagged , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
silver faucet with water flowing

By: Giselle General

Benguet Province, Baguio City, Cordillera Region. These places are associated with cold weather, and that temperature is reflected on the frigid water that comes out of the taps.

During our first planned vacation to the Philippines with my significant other back in 2013, he emphasized that we need to find a place with hot shower. I did tell him stories on how we make warm water for bathing by boiling water using a kettle or a large pot, then mixing that with the bucket in the bathroom that is half-full with cold water. He is not enthused by the idea.

During the second visit to the Philippines just recently, I was able to find more accommodations that boasted the availability of hot water as an amenity. In the bathrooms of these condos, there is an on-demand hot water contraption attached only to the shower plumbing, which means that water everywhere else such as the bathroom and kitchen sinks, still have the default water temperature.

bathroom showerhead with water tank and shampoo bottles

This made me admit that I have gotten too used to the luxury here in Canada, since I found the hot water in some of the accommodations unsatisfactory. It’s honestly very humbling.

Since the first 16 years of my life were spent in the Philippines, I have distinct memories of living without such easy access. And this is not just hot water, but consistently flowing water in general.

When I visited my cousin who is currently living in the home where I used to live in this small mining village, our chitchat was interrupted when she remembered that it is the scheduled hour for water access for all residents. Water is not available all the time, it becomes accessible for an hour at 5 AM, 11 AM and 5 PM. When these times arrive, that would be the main household chore that people have to focus on, simultaneously gathering water in storage containers and doing chores that take up a lot of water such as laundry. Ah, the memories.

kitchen sink and window in poor condition

There are still moments in the past years here in Edmonton, when I would be in the most random of places, like the washroom at the newly renovated third floor of City Centre Mall, of in the washroom of the South Campus LRT station that looks a bit worn down. As soon as I turn the tap or place my hands right where the senor is, water starts streaming down on my hands. At times, surprisingly warm that it can make me a cup of powdered Ovaltine or Milo or tea, if only I had the tools to make one right there.

Access to well-structured plumbing and sewage systems is still incredibly inconsistent in many parts of the world. The quality of plumbing fixtures even varies significantly depending on the location within a small area like a city. From a health standpoint, not just for humans but for the natural environment around where they live, this is really important. As I grow older and have more complicated views about life, I am starting to realize that these realizations will come even more often.

The last accommodations we had during our vacation would arguably be the worst in terms of water access. The water pressure is so weak, that the shower is practically a trickle of lukewarm water, and it took a few minutes to fill a cup of water from the tap on the sink. Maybe it was also the exhaustion from the trip overall, but it made us even more anxious to go home.

We arrived back in Edmonton at almost midnight and collapsed in our beds exhausted, we didn’t even have the energy to shower and clean off the gunk that we got from our long flight. The next morning, we took a shower as early as we could. I cooked breakfast and made coffee, being able to wash the greasy pan in warm water. As I was still adjusting to the fact that we returned to a place where winter is still happening, whenever I washed my hands in the washroom I would turn the hot water tap just a bit more, the flow of warmth providing comfort. I am home, and I know I’m freaking privileged.

Love Language Reflections: My Grandma

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By: Giselle General

The first time I read articles about the concept of love language, it was framed in terms of romantic relationships. Giving gifts, quality time, loving words, helping gestures, and affection, are definitely key activities that help and sustain a relationship between lovers. That definitely made sense to me. And the fact that people have different preferences also made sense.

Recently, I have seen some articles that talk about differences in communication, affection and discipline when parenting children. The idea that “people function and react in a variety of ways” is something that I have been hearing about more and more. Perhaps then, for other types of relationships, there may be a variability in love language as well.

Unless someone makes a real effort to, one cannot give what they never received. One cannot give what they didn’t know they can have.

The recent trip to the Philippines to visit family made me think about these a little bit more, specifically my maternal grandma, who predominantly took care of my day-to-day needs after my brother and I lost our parents and sister.

I don’t dispute, nor do I undervalue, the gestures and sacrifices that she and all my relatives have done. Having to take care of two orphaned grandchildren while grieving for the death of your own child, son-in-law, and grandchild takes a lot of work, planning, troubleshooting and sacrifice.

She seemed to think that I didn’t appreciate what she had done, what she has given. Conversations during every visit has a similar pattern. After berating me with these accusations of ungratefulness, she will switch topics and talk about the land we inherited from her, such as how the taxes, land titles, and selling them. My stunted communications skills around her, because of the lack of warmth and trust between the two of us, make it hard for me to persuade her otherwise because I just shut down. As a frustrated teenager, there was a time when I did flip out my elders, calling them out for not being warm, affectionate, cuddly and motivating. I mean, young children do need those in order to grow healthy, strong and secure.

Given Grandma’s poverty-stricken background, survival and stability is most likely a key motivator all throughout her life. This I learned from the stories she would tell me as a kid, a personal and history-based version of bedtime stories that parents read to their kids. I know that as she became older and started her family and her businesses, she gifted all of her eight kids including my mother as well as her siblings, with land, and that is kind of a big deal. My mother and her siblings also received one business such as a store, and had their post-secondary education paid for. I imagine that it took a lot of hard work to earn the funds for and I appreciate that.

Her diatribes include snide remarks about how “hugs and kisses” are not essential, and would proudly claim that she never spanked us for discipline or abuse. From a history-based, trauma-informed approach that I have started to embrace, I realized that her love language is providing tangible items that provide both short-term and long-term benefit. Since her own father passed away when she and her siblings were young, and suffered hardship from bullying and poverty, her standard of treating family members is simply the opposite of what she has experienced and that’s it. Unless someone makes a real effort to, one cannot give what they never received. One cannot give what they didn’t know they can have.

With all of these in mind, I have made peace with the lack of affection that I received, and I feel empowered to seek that out for myself through other means. Perhaps in time, maybe I will learn how to display even some level of affection towards her, if only for a brief moment of time, before she changes the conversation into more business-like topics, like land and legal paperwork. These tangible items, which do cost a fair bit of money, are her love language, and will likely dictate the nature of our relationship for the rest of our lives.

MEET GISELLE!

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Women in Politics Headshots

The woman behind the FilipinaYEG blog!

“Our most significant life project is ourselves. We have to continue discovering what we are capable of, protecting what we value most, embracing who we are, and understanding what is happening around us.”

Canada has been my country since immigrating at 16, and Edmonton has been my home since 2008. The discoveries, current challenges and my future dreams inspired me to launch FilipinaYEG. My goal is that as I go through this journey called life, that in some way I get to inform, inspire and make an impact to those around me.

I hope that the blog gives you something to ponder, to share, to act on. While we are more than the sum of our parts, being a survivor, a woman, immigrant, orphan, millennial, and more, shapes my perspective. I know that many of you can relate to these viewpoints and can share wisdom and solidarity on similar experiences.

​Enjoy reading, learning and sharing!